The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, & Worse

I'll try to start the rant with the Good: Jett progress highlights. He's laughing now (started on Christmas and I almost cried it was sooooooo adorable), cooing and babbling more, reaching for and grabbing at objects (and Mommy's glasses and hair...), attempting to sit up, and rocking on his back. On occasion, he'll even roll over, but it's infrequent for now. He just seems more aware of his surroundings now and is rather interactive. We really enjoy playing with him, when he's not exhausted and his gums aren't killing him. He's also started sleeping in the car (like normal babies...) and we've gotten the green flag from his pediatrician to start the introduction of solid foods. As such, we're feeding him teeny amounts of rice cereal and some mashed carrots.

I'll also add the cessation of breastfeeding to the Good list. Jett, at the tail end of his last cold, decided he didn't like nursing anymore (though he's warmed back up to a bit since then) and now that he's almost sitting and eating, and teething, we've decided it's an okay time to ween him. My major reason to keep him breastfed is for the potential antibodies that I'm passing to him. My major reason to ween him is his ever-churning tummy. It doesn't seem to matter what I take out of my diet, there's always something else I'm eating that is causing him digestive issues. Formula doesn't vary in it's daily makeup and I think that consistency will help him IMMENSELY. And Mommy will get to freely eat dairy, chocolate, beer, orange juice, beans, spices, etc. again... Besides, what antibodies I'm passing to him don't appear to be doing a whole lot (as he's almost got a constant cold now) so the gas avoidance far outweighs the antibody benefits in my book. I should have him solely on formula in a couple of weeks I think...which will have gotten me past the five-month mark. I was shooting for six months as a still-pregnant ideal, but won't have fallen too short of that in the end.

I do wish Jett's first teeth would hurry up and make their appearance because his teething issues are Bad. We make sure he gets his baby Tylenol every four hours on the dot. We've applied baby Oragel (which seems do to more harm than good as the cherry "flavor" makes him instantly cry for the five seconds it takes to apply before numbing his gums), provided various teething items, and made little soothing pacifier Popsicles. And generally, we can keep the teething pain under control, but it doesn't seem to dent his desire to gnaw on his hand, a stuffed animal, my knuckle/shoulder, etc, and he is a drool-FACTORY. Completely soaks the collars of anything he's wearing, with just his saliva. And I'm not a big fan of saliva...

As alluded to above, Jett is sick. Again. Which is Ugly. We anticipated some frequent illness in a multiple-child daycare setting. Frequent like every other month...not for months at a time. Jett has been struggling to get healthy for the last seven out of eight weeks, having temporarily disabled both Kenny and I earlier this month with our own colds...THAT cannot happen again - a family activity in illness. Bah. Even if Jett was sick every month (not continuously), we could deal, at least somewhat. The worst part still is that we can't do anything to fix him. In my opinion, his immune system sucks. Maybe that's how they all start. I know as a baby he's vulnerable to acquiring various bugs but I feel like his system should be doing a better job than it is now. That, or he's getting some rather virulent strains of cold...which could very well be the case. Kenny and I have been talking seriously about pulling Jett out of daycare and situating him with an in-home nanny, at least temporarily, until he's a little older. Or, at least until we're done with cold weather and the height of cold and flu season. Sure, it's going to cripple us financially...but it's only temporary (for a few months maybe?) and it's worth it because...

& Worse...we can't sleep. I really feel that if Jett had a chance to be healthy again, he'd be a good or at least decent sleeper. Unfortunately, with him being sick, he sleeps like penguins fly...not so much. His sinuses either drain into his face all night or he's stopped up and can't breathe and then wakes...or, if we happen to be in a particularly awful week when the illness has progressed into his lungs/chest, his coughing fits frequently wake him. Kenny and I have settled on a schedule to take turns sleeping. I try and get to bed as early as possible (8 pm) and get to sleep until about midnight, when Kenny's shift formally ends. If Jett's sleeping at that time, good for me- I get to keep sleeping. I'm on call though for any stirring after that, since Kenny's got to be up at 5:30 am. With this routine, I'm guaranteed at least a four-hour stretch of uninterrupted, gloriously-precious sleep, and Kenny should get about five and a half to savor. Which is ridiculous. I want more than four hours of sleep. I NEED more than four hours of sleep, if nothing else but to give my body a chance to keep Jett's germs at bay and NOT get sick myself. After discussing the idea for a month now, we are taking formal steps to hire a night nanny for once- to twice-per-week night relief. I told Kenny that getting 6+ hours of uninterrupted sleep would be more exciting than I could handle, but that I'm happier with this arrangement more for the effect on my psyche. My outlook on the immediate future has been, understandably, a bit bleak, and honestly, just having a day each week to look forward to that I DON'T dread coming home and starting a futile night routine...well, not to sound like a MasterCard commercial, that would be priceless.

Luckily, Kenny and I still take turns feeling utterly defeated by our baby son. Which is good. We can't both need a timeout at the same time...I just wish I knew how to fix this other than waiting for time to pass and sleep maturity to set in. Whether it's the snowballing colds or some underlying medical issue or just Jett's natural disposition (and just our luck...), the kid does not sleep. I might need to take a day off from work just to sit in his room at daycare and see how they do it. Even then though, per his daily activity sheet they write up, he doesn't seem to nap much for them either. Jett's completely and utterly over his swing here at home. You set him in it and he screams. Hates it. The only thing that seems to get him to sleep these days is me bouncing him in my arms while sitting on a yoga ball (wish my lower back were a bit stronger...) or Kenny taking him for multiple car rides to nowhere. Rocking him, walking around the house, swinging, even putting him in his carrier doesn't seem to work much anymore. And Jett is frequently tired. Because he's not napping. And when he gets super tired, he crosses over into that over-tired, fussy state. And then there's NO getting him to sleep. Because he's a flailing, crying mess and it's soooo frustrating because he needs to sleep and he just can't. Which is craziness to Kenny and I, who could nearly fall asleep standing up these days (actually, I do believe I fall asleep rather frequently while rocking Jett in the rocker in his room for his nightly wake-ups, because I notice that an hour has gone by sometimes, but there's no way I fed him or was awake for that long...). So Jett's not napping easily, and doesn't stay asleep for long, and the night-time routine takes at least an hour typically to get him asleep, which frequently entails two or three immediate attempts to put him back down. And this week, he's been averaging 3 to 4 wakings per night (between midnight and 7 am). Monday was particularly special as I tried to shield Kenny from the ensuing sleep deprivation for at least one night, and took Jett to a guest bedroom to sleep on my chest while I slept sitting up. I figured this would be better for Jett since the position didn't cause his sinuses to drain to his face or run down his throat and gag him, and he likes the co-sleeping. And, when he awoke frequently as I anticipated, I'd be right there to attend to him vs. having to get out of bed and move to a different room to reach him. I don't think either Jett nor myself got more than an hour of sleep at a time. And Kenny didn't sleep well either because he was having flashbacks of how significantly sick Jett was a few weeks ago with Bronchiolitis and worried about him all night.

I've done a better job at going into zombie-mode this week vs. hysterically crying and getting mad at Jett. Obviously, this is not his intentional doing. And he's sick, which sucks for grown adults, let alone a tiny infant. I'm more quietly sad this week, mourning our defeat and my resignation to this dismal future for the next couple of months. I'm hoping our efforts in the month of January - getting a nanny and hopefully staving off such frequent illnesses; getting a night nurse to allow us some MUCH-needed respite; Jett turning five months and just being more mature and maybe ready to sleep better? - will help bring the future into a much hopeful light.

I just feel like we, like many other first-time parents, read all the online articles & must-have books, subscribed to the new-parent forums, talked to experienced friends and family, observed others with children, even took a hands-on approach when available, and readied ourselves with eyes wide open for the sacrifices and changes we would have to make in welcoming a child into our lives. And as much as we could have been ready, we were. It's like we'd been outfitted in full-on hockey goalie gear and had steeled ourselves for whatever was about to come, poised with our sticks in hand...and then an earthquake hit and we were swallowed up into the subsequent hole in the ground. How do you prepare for that?

Two additional notes: I couldn't do this without Kenny. I love, love, LOVE you. I couldn't appreciate your more for everything you do and will do for us and Jett.
For as much as we complain about our struggles in raising Jett, I do have some perspective on our situation. It could be worse. It could be FAR worse. I could be doing this alone. Jett could have some debilitating illness that required medical interventions. So, yes, on the whole, we feel fortunate to have what we have. But, it's still been a rough time for us as this is our first (and potentially last) foray into child-rearing and it's still kicking our ass. But we do love him. And I'm happy with our decision to start a family. I could definitely understand why someone might choose never to have children...but having held my child and locked eyes with him, and getting to listen to him laugh and smile at me and try to hold a conversation with me, and seeing him rest peacefully when he's finally and happily asleep...I absolutely adore those moments. And I'm told they'll occur more frequently. And I look forward to that.

Concerned, Panicked, Relieved, Annoyed

Jett started daycare on November 1st and by the end of the following week, had come down with his first real cold. We both did. That cold lingered for about three weeks, disrupting the very precious sleep routine we'd established for the one, golden week when he'd just turned 12 weeks and had slept through the night six days in a row. We're back to three hours at a time...if that.

So after being sick for three weeks and missing a week or two already of daycare, this cold developed into bronchiolitis, which is a common virus (RSV) in kids under 2 years old during cold and flu season. It WRECKED Jett. He'd have serious fits of coughing, which frequently turned into almost choking, then sometimes vomiting. His eyes would water and his nose never stopped running (it still hasn't). We'd had his 4-month well-baby visit scheduled last Monday, to get his first round of immunizations, but instead, got tested for whooping cough and sent home with a nebulizer machine (like a portable humidifier that sounds like a generator with a tube leading to an oxygen mask for dispensing of inhaled medication). We'd been concerned that he'd been sick for three weeks already, but the choking thing was really concerning, and he wasn't getting better. That Monday night, I was in a full-blown panic as he was having a really difficult time breathing - his nose was completely stuffed up and his chest was just so congested - it sounded like his wheezing was wheezing. Terrible. I ended up calling his pediatrician after-hours to calm my fears and sent Kenny rushing out to a still-open pharmacy for some last minute Rx fills. It was rough. I slept sitting up with him in my arms, partly so that he could breathe better, and partly just to make sure he kept breathing. Kenny was concerned as well, but didn't fly off the handle as I had and thank god. Two of us can't both lose our heads and I am thankful every day that he's so very, very rational.

We'd had a trip to New Mexico planned that week, but postponed it on Tuesday with Jett's health in mind. Kenny and I took turns working from home so that we could tend to our son and take him to his daily doctor visits. Later that week, the pediatrician confided that she almost had us admitted to the hospital after seeing us Tuesday morning - he was in that bad of shape - if she didn't have the utmost faith in us to dispense his medication on a very rigid schedule. Whooping cough and pneumonia were ruled out in the course of the week, and bronchiolitis was diagnosed. We'd been given a fact sheet on this two or so weeks prior, when I'd first brought him in (to rule out something more serious than a cold), and I'd been looking for a fever, which never developed.

Now that he's on some medication to help open his airways and keep the phlem down, he's doing better. However, it's still a virus like the flu, and there's no medication for prescription to cure a virus. As such, his immune system simply has to kick in and kick this. The medication prescribed can only help ready his immune system for the epic battle. It sucks though because I can't even give him an antihistamine to dry up his runny, runny nose. There's no over-the-counter meds to give a baby.

He's been doing better and can breathe now and is hacking less and there's no more vomiting. But he's still struggling. His immune system had been depressed already in battling a cold for three weeks...and now this. And I can only think that we're going to send him back to daycare and he's going to pick this up again...Kids don't become immune to this, just as adults who've gotten the flu can still get the flu. And the pediatrician has informed us that the next cold he gets can easily turn into bronchiolitis. We anticipated him getting sick...we did start him in daycare, surrounded by 11 other snotty babies, at the beginning of cold and flu season...but we didn't anticipate almost hospitalizing our son. I don't want to go through this again.

So now that we're relieved that Jett's on the mend (though bronchiolitis can run a 21-day course...) and in no dire straits, I am impatient for him to be healthy again. This virus can stick around though, and it's messing with his sleep...and subsequently ours. He's still got just enough of a runny nose to stuff up his sinuses when he slumbers in a forward position. He's still got just enough of a cough to wake him several times a night. And oh yes...I forgot to mention that with all the hacking and snot spewing from our son...it was bound to happen that Kenny and I both caught colds. Bronchiolitis, per our now-worn fact sheet, will present as a simple head cold in adults. But contagious nonetheless. So we've been dealing with that. And being sick already sucks - the exhaustion and the endless river of mucus - but to try to function in a parental capacity and without the much-needed sleep my body sooo desperately needs while healing, well, it's pretty friggin awful.

And I can't be annoyed with Jett; he's just healing. But I need some sleep. And Kenny needs some sleep. It's just awful luck that we've all gotten sick at the same time, despite trying to keep Jett's germs at bay with several homeopathic remedies, herbal teas, daily meals of chicken noodle soup and antihistamines. It's just the situation that's irritating. I wish I could afford an in-home nanny (at least for the winter months) so that we wouldn't have to send him back to daycare to potentially get this awful virus again. A cold I can deal with (and expected). This, I never want to see again. But daycare it is.

Parenting is kicking my ass.

An exercise in melodrama

Motherhood makes me tired. In fact, I ought to be sleeping now so I'll keep this brief. The physical toll is, as suspected, pretty exhausting. The utter lack of slumber and the breastfeeding and the back pain when carrying, rocking, or bouncing my child to sleep - they all add up to a very physically demanding role. Kenny's starting to think this is what's making me so susceptible to the colds I seem to keep getting...a running-on-empty immune system. Whatever the physical ailments, we're surviving.

It's the emotional aspect that keeps throwing me off. I hate it. This motherhood thing is making me an emotionally compromised wreck. When Jett smiles or coos or we have a really great day overall, like when he's not fussy and sleeps through the night - I'm overjoyed. Kenny tells me not to get so excited because the next day could be terrible...but I can't help it. I just feel so hopeful on those days that this parenting thing can be done and will prove ultimately rewarding. And then there are the more frequent days where I wonder why I willing signed up for this. When we've made progress in sleeping through the night and getting a bedtime routine down, there will be a night where Jett sleeps for two hours at a time and won't go back to bed for all the tricks we try. On those days, I'm left rather blue, wondering why my child can be great one day and awful the next and why I got my hopes up that the good days would be the norm...

I feel crazy most of the time in this drama queen role. Super psyched for a smile and wracked with despair when I'm sleep deprived and at witt's end that my child won't sleep. And I cry at the drop of a hat now. I've returned to the office this past week - and was feeling guilty that I didn't feel guilty about being away from my child. Aye!! I've got to get out of my head. I'm overthinking everything and it's not doing me ANY good except making me feel like the star of my own melodrama.

In other news, Jett's in daycare and it's great. It really is establishing structure for him in sleeping and eating. I'm LOVING being back to work and feeling a sense of accomplishment when I can complete a project but not get five minutes to sweep the floor at home...Jett's gotten two colds now and is not sleeping well, which is understandable when he can't breathe through his little nose. He's not slept through the night for the last week or so...which is right on par with how long I've been back at work...oh well. Luckily, I've learned to function fairly effectively on 4-5 hours. We're looking forward to starting Jett on some rice cereal next month, and I'm having mixed thoughts on slowly weaning him off breast milk. I'm already not producing enough to feed him an exclusive daily diet of breast milk, in not pumping enough while at work or during the night and having never really recovered the supply I had prior to my back-to-back colds. I really want to be able to provide for him in that regard, as much as he needs, but I'd also like to gain a little more freedom that formula-feeding affords....and for Jett to be able to sit on my lap without him staring at me as a food source the whole time...

Now for some precious sleep, until my son gets up in an hour...

Asking the goblin king to take my child

Let me preface this post, as I've been doing in all recent conversations, that I dearly love my child. I am glad he's here and would not want this life without him. That said, the past three months have been a challenge. Times infinity.

There are really no words of wisdom, babysitting experience, or things you can read in the billion baby books that can adequately prepare you a realistic picture of what to expect as a new parent. No, you won't sleep, and yes, it's the most tremendously trying experience you'll ever encounter, but you can't truly know the impact of parenthood until, unfortunately, you're flailing in it.

The biggest struggle in the last twelve weeks wasn't the sleep deprivation or the frustration or the crying but rather, a sum of all these parts. It's the fact that you're dealing with ALL of these temper triggers at once, and without a break. Even when a job gets busy and stressful and you're working 60 hours in a week, you still get a reprieve on the weekend or at night while you slumber. There's essentially a pause button. No such thing exists when you've got an infant. Kenny and I switch off when I'm at my limit or he at his, but it's tough when we're both at our maximum capacity and patience is dwindling or non-existent.

I'm a pretty patient person, but do tend to get frustrated often. When this happens, I can walk away, "reset" myself, and come back to the task when I'm ready to tackle it with a new store of patience. If I've got a screaming baby at 1 am, I can't very well leave him, take a nap, and come back to figure out his malfunction when I'm good and refreshed. Doesn't happen. So that's hard to deal with...trying to keep your temper when your patience ran out three hours ago...

Jett has been difficult to figure out these last few months. He doesn't really cry all that much, but is fussy often and inconsistent sleeping is still an issue.

The first two weeks of Jett's life were difficult as we were adjusting to having an infant and to figuring out what we should be doing, but they were manageable as my mom was there to help. What a godsend that was. I didn't cry a lot these first couple of weeks because things were being taken care of and I wasn't stressed (too much). Honestly, I was focused more on myself and my recuperation. I did cry for a minute the first night we were home as I was sitting on the edge of our bed, exhausted, and wondering how I was going to allow my self to sleep as I anticipated worrying endlessly that my child was still breathing in his cradle next to us. Exhaustion trumped that thought and I ended up asleep before I knew it. But only for a couple of hours. And then sleep deprivation set in but I learned to live off of a cumulative amount of sleep (in between baby wakings) vs. uninterrupted stretches.

Somewhere in the next couple of weeks after that, Jett would not sleep in his cradle, or his swing, or his crib, or his bouncy seat. So that was troubling...so he started to sleep on my chest. This wasn't the most comfortable for me but allowed me to sleep as Jett slept and allowed me to stay in our bed. We discovered shortly that he didn't like his swing, car rides or stroller walks, but that he was keen on his baby bathtub. So that was something...

Jett was fussy and not a consistent sleeper. He averaged around 2-3 hours of sleep, but would be up for only 20-30 minutes to eat before being ready for bed again. There were a couple of nights, sporadically, where he'd give us 4 or 5 hours straight...which was heavenly!! (though my chest felt as though it might explode upon waking). He wasn't fond of naps during the day. He wanted to be held or entertained constantly and would fuss or cry if left alone for any period of time. And he wasn't very efficient at eating and needed to eat every hour or so, grazing for about 45 minutes. This just meant that I was parked somewhere (couch, chair, bed) for a good deal of the day. Around week 4 or 5, Jett and I moved to the bedroom down the hall since we were still co-sleeping but Kenny needed some uninterrupted sleep for work.

Between week 6 & 7, I went in to my office for the first time to introduce Jett to my coworkers. I also had my post-partum check-up with my OB and endocrynologist. It was also the time that I felt the most overwhelmed, that everything - the sleep deprivation, lack of schedule, stress of constant child-rearing - finally caught up with me. After this meltdown though, I felt pretty okay. Kenny traveled to Washington state for work for a week, and I was on my own to deal with Jett. Amazingly, he was perfect for me, but I also made it a point to get out of the house every day and spend it with friends in the event that I needed some parenting help. To sleep, Jett and I were still in a separate bedroom, and I was side-nursing him to sleep. This, I've read and been told, is a terrible habit to start but it was the only way to get him to sleep some nights and thus prevailed.

By week 8, Jett was still crying when set down, was napping infrequently, and had started to get fussy while eating. Also, it was difficult to get anything done as I was constantly holding him. A friend had recommended getting a particular wrap carrier and had been using it for about a week. This was a magical carrier as it was not only easy to use/wrap, and comfortable, but almost instantly put Jett to sleep (as his vision was blocked and therefore blocked any sleep distractions). It kept him snugly at my chest, allowing me to do laundry and other chores and walks with the dog were less cumbersome without the stroller. We did notice that he was keenly interested in ceiling fans, above-head lights, and his mobile.

Around week 9 (two months old), we traveled to Honolulu and he traveled extremely well. I just nursed him on the plane and he slept for most of it. The weather was nice and Jett behaved himself mostly, but there were a couple of days (out of two weeks) that were miserable as he wouldn't stop fussing, wouldn't nap, and we never left the hotel room. His pediatrician had suggested that all of his fussiness, his disinterest in eating, his infrequent naps might be symptoms of silent acid reflux. In Waikiki, he started spitting up frequently, at every meal, and this did appear to be the cause of every fussy bout. We started him on baby Zantac, without much result and discontinued a couple of weeks later. Jett also began smiling this week. HUGE!!

With weeks 10 & 11, Jett was still fussy, and still battling reflux. We were definitely starting to figure out his spit-up needs and we were able to pinpoint and alleviate many of his reflux issues. He was also battling painful and frequent gas (as most infants do) and constipation. While we could address many of his fussiness bouts, there were many others that still stymied us and caused a few parental meltdowns. He did start sleeping in a separate bed in Hawaii, which was progress as my back could not continue to support co-sleeping and his acid reflux could not support side-nursing to sleep. He did, however, make it clear to us that he only liked to sleep on his stomach as he wouldn't stay out long on his back. And while he's supposed to sleep on his back for a myriad of safety reasons, mom and dad need some sleep and well, sleep won out and he sleeps on his stomach (under our watchful eyes).

Jett still has gas issues, and I'm making a concerted effort to change up my diet to pass on milk that may potentially cause less gas in him. It's been hard though as I'm not to eat chocolate, dairy (cheese, icecream), beans (I'm vegetarian...), garlic, onion, citrus juices, carbonated beverages (ie, beer), and various veggies (cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli). I'm trying to at least minimize the above ingredients in my daily mealplan. Jett's no longer constipated, thankfully, which we think was caused by the medication which we've ceased. He's still got some acid reflux issues which he's going to have until he's older and his digestive tract is more mature. We know now though to burp him a few times per feeding and if he's fussy during or after eating, spit-up is brewing. We don't have enough bibs, burp rags or blankets for this kid's spit-up...He's still been extremely inconsistent in nighttime sleeping, but has, at least, adopted a lengthy napping schedule during the day.

It feels fantastic to have figured out even one of Jett's desires/needs. It's hard in the beginning though because we have no idea what we're doing and Jett himself doesn't quite know what he wants. There's no consistency because by the time we do figure out what he wanted (if we do), he grows up a bit and his needs change. I thought the odds might be in our favor at times, as there are only a short list of ailments from which a baby suffers, in that we might somewhat easily be able to identify his requests. However, identifying the issue is only half the battle - fixing it is something else. When he's exhausted, for example, we can rock him, bounce him, feed him, etc, but sometimes only one works, and sometimes none.

Luckily, Kenny and I compliment each other as parents. I tend to be more patient over the course of the day, and Kenny's best responses come at night for acute issues, when he turns into auto-pilot dad. My mommy brain tends to short-circuit at night when I'm ready for sleep. If my attempts to put Jett to sleep prove fruitless after my patience has run out, I struggle in exhaustion. A crying baby presents a unique psychological struggle for me: My pre-mom self wants nothing to do with a screaming child (as natural instinct dictates - who chooses to sit next to a baby on a plane?) and yet my maternal instinct wants only to hold my baby and make everything better. This internal battle at 2 am renders me completely ineffective as a night-time parent in being unable to decide how to proceed with this ceaselessly wailing infant. Luckily, Kenny's there to pick up where I leave off, but it's hard to ask him to step in when he's running on fumes too, and has to work in the morning.

I'm writing all this now that Jett's almost three months old, in daycare, and I'm about to go back to work. This taste of normalcy is sweet as nectar. I can't wait to marry this motherhood version of me for the last three months with my former, HR Specialist and social Stef self. I do like being a mom but it has to come with perspective. I appreciate my child and my time with Jett when I'm not constantly with him. As the old adage goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it's true! Now that he's in daycare, I look forward to being reunited with him in the early evening and enjoy my time with him because I've missed him. I don't think I could stay at home with him all day, every day. I need a break. And yes, I'm going to miss him even more when I'm back at work and farther away, but daycare is a necessary arrangement for us and a good psychological one for me.

Jett slept through the night on Friday, Sunday, and last night, and while this is monumental progress, we had one of THE worst sleep nights on Saturday. For every two steps we make forward, we often take one back...and that really messes with my head. For if Jett can go to sleep at 10 pm on some nights, or sleep for 6+ hour stretches, why can't he do this every night? It's hard NOT to get attached to the progress we've made and to accept inconsistency as a constant. I hope we're establishing a pattern, which daycare should help. But then he'll start teething and we'll be thrown another wrench!

Breastfeeding

The claim for infant feeding is "breast is best" which alludes to the fact that breastfeeding is ideal for nurturing a newborn, over formula. Formula comes close, but breastmilk is seemingly almost magical in it's antibodies and nutritious properties, formulated specially for each mother's child. Knowing this, I was obviously going to attempt to breastfeed, but not without some apprehension. The books I'd read noted that it might not be an easy task to master initially, and my friends' first-hand accounts painted an even bleaker picture.

For me, there are a few problems with breastfeeding: physical, psychological, and "everything else," such as low or non-existent milk production and mom's diet in producing milk that doesn't get along with baby's digestive tract.

Physically: As a first-time mom, breastfeeding was a completely new experience and, logically, I shouldn't have expected to have mastered the skill only days after attempting it for the first time as I'd never done it before. It's like wakeboarding the first time - it took practice before I could even get up out of the water, let alone do tricks! Getting the baby to latch on was obstacle number one, which seems like it should come naturally as some inherent newborn instinct. But it didn't and I ended up pumping my milk for the first few days and feeding it to Jett manually. We also decided to have Jett's frenulum (the skin that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth) clipped because he wasn't able to extend his tongue at all, which was an issue for latching. Also, in being born a few weeks early and being so tiny, his mouth was just physically very little and that too may have hindered his attempts to eat. Lastly, I was so engorged initially that he couldn't have fed even if everything else had been perfect and the lactation consultant had me use this silicone nipple shield that goes over the real thing and makes it more convenient to latch and that worked until he was bigger and could do it on his own. Once I was able to breastfeed him, it hurt. It still hurts sometimes, 10 weeks in. First-time mothers' breasts have never been subjected to anything this constant and rough. I feel like it might be similar to playing guitar for the first time. But instead of playing a couple of days a week for a couple of hours here and there and building up to a more frequent schedule, breastfeeding is a hectic schedule from the get-go. There's no ramp-up time. One day they're ornamental; the next they're being subjected to hour-long traumas 10 times a day.

Psychologically: I honestly didn't consider that there'd potentially be any negative psychological effects of breastfeeding. I was prepared to create an intimate bond with my baby in breastfeeding, nurturing him from my body and fulfilling this natural, maternal instinct. And that may have happened. I do feel proud that I'm providing for my child in this way, but I was bewildered by the 14 other emotions I experienced: frustration that the process wasn't working; anger that Jett was somehow hindering the process; worry and guilt that I wasn't producing enough milk (I was); resentment that my son was making too frequent demands of me; despair that I wasn't meeting these demands; satisfaction that I was the sole food provider; anger that I couldn't get a break because I was the sole food provider...It was a mess inside my head that I could have 100% done without, because I was already "emotionally compromised" with my hormones all awry in post-pregnancy. Ugh.

If I could go back two months and advise myself with my newfound wisdom, I'd suggest three things:

Be prepared for breastfeeding to suck (no pun intended). It's hard, inconvenient and everything about it made me want to quit except knowing that "breast is best" and I should try. Which is hard knowing that formula exists as a much easier, more convenient, nearly identical alternative. It's still inconvenient and I'm hoping to hold out and make it to at least four months, when six seems to be about average (my original goal) and twelve is the specialists' recommendation. Twelve is absurd; I had a hard time getting to two months! I'll get to three and hope that I can find a good pumping schedule when I return to work to continue breastfeeding past that. Four months is when we can start introducing food and we'll see if I have the will-power to keep breastfeeding after that...

Start formula early as a replacement for at least one feeding. I battled in my head, along with many of my friends apparently, the idea that if I couldn't produce enough milk for my child as nature intended, that somehow I was failing in motherhood. This battle raged for a couple of weeks and gets a girl downright depressed. Seeing that almost all of my friends went through this same emotional distress, I don't see that I could have avoided it but I wish I would have had that internal discussion earlier, gotten it out of the way, and look at things slightly more practically. Even the pediatrician was recommending I replace one feeding with formula per day simply as a stress release for me. And introducing formula made it easier to plan when we went out. I'd not have to stress out about somehow finding time and resources to produce an extra bottle's worth of milk to arm ourselves with when away from the house, which is hard to do when there's no reserves to speak of as my child wants every drop the instant I can make it... So, breast milk is the best and that's Jett's main diet but replacing one feeding a day with formula has been a godsend in giving me even a tiny break. And it allows me, if there's opportunity, to pump for a feeding and stock up some reserve milk for when Jett starts daycare or when we're on outings away from the house. And, the formula seems to fill him up a bit more and he sleeps longer...

Pay no mind to the books that try to prepare you for some type of feeding schedule. My experience was that my child wanted to eat ALL the time. Because the books suggested 2-3 hour feedings, I will ill-prepared for feedings every 45 minutes...and ended up resenting my child for being seemingly gluttonous. But the book talks about AVERAGES and not NORMS and there's a huge difference. What was normal for Jett was to eat a thousand times a day (give or take a few) and I should have gone into this simply knowing that when Jett cried and rooted, he was legitimately hungry and I should feed him. Simple as that. Instead, I held out on him thinking that he couldn't possibly need to eat because it hadn't even been one hour, let alone the 2-3 the books quote...Forget the books and go with what's playing out in reality. I have to remember this for future learning sessions!

37.5 weeks

So it's been a while since my last post and well, taking care of a newborn is a bit time-consuming... I thought I ought to write the pregnancy blog conclusion though so here are the delivery details:

I started having contractions around 3:30 am on Saturday, August 7th. I hadn't really had any contractions in previous weeks and assumed that these weren't the real thing as I wasn't due for another two and a half weeks (August 24th), and I'd been told that first babies are often late. However, I was sort of alarmed that I was also bleeding, which then made me think that maybe this was the real thing...I tried to go back to bed but couldn't sleep through the contractions (or the worry) and got up to surf the internet about signs of early labor. I'd also found a contraction timer online to start recording the length and duration. A little before 5 am, after realizing my contractions were consistently five minutes apart, I decided to call my provider's emergency line to figure out if I should go to the hospital. Kenny woke up around this time, alarmed to find me missing pre-dawn. I informed him that I might be in labor but that we'd been advised to try laboring a while longer at home since I'd be most comfortable there and didn't want any medical intervention anyway.

Fairly calmly, we finished packing our hospital bags and Kenny finished installing the car seat. I still wasn't convinced that we were really going to have a baby that day though, but texted my friend Sara to be on standby should we actually be admitted to the hospital and require her services for babysitting Cash, our dog.We ended up driving to the hospital around 8:30 am as the contractions had intensified somewhat and seemed more frequent, and well, we weren't sure what else to do.

Got to the hospital, was checked out and it was confirmed that I was indeed in early labor, and two centimeters dilated. The nurse proposed that we go back home to continue my labor progress with 8 cm to go, since I'd be able to walk around and eat if I wanted, etc, and to return when the contractions had gotten really severe. So, we drove the quick 15 minutes back home.

Not too long after arriving home, the contraction pain did significantly worsen and I tried walking, rocking and bending to no real relief. Sara showed up sometime after 10 am to pick up Cash and we were on our way back to the hospital shortly after she'd left. The contractions were rather intense, though I struggled with how subjective pain determination was, and even though we'd only been home for an hour, decided to go back to the hospital. We called our moms on the way and got to the hospital shortly thereafter. I still couldn't comprehend that we were going to have a baby that day - we weren't ready!

We were admitted to the hospital within minutes as I'd called the nurse ahead of time to let her know we were coming back, and was already registered. As it was a quiet Saturday morning, we had our pick of labor rooms and got one of the bigger ones. I was outfitted with a wireless baby/contraction monitor thing and was free to pace the room. Thankfully, my Group Beta Strep culture had come back negative so I was to be 100% IV free. As the contractions came, I'd lean over the bed with my butt in the air, or kneel, or hang my arms around Kenny's neck as he supported my weight; I was even in the bathtub for a while. Didn't matter what I did, it didn't seem to lessen the pain of the contractions, which ultimately was fine as the bright side of contractions is that they are fleeting!

The nurse checked me when we'd first gotten situated in the labor room and I was five cm. About the time my midwife showed up an hour later, I was 7 cm dilated and they asked if I was ready to take it to the next level (I'm paraphrasing...). They broke my water (which is SUCH a strange sensation, like you've wet yourself 10 x over, but without moving a muscle) and the pain got a LOT worse as there was no longer any cushion inside.

Our friend Katie showed up about that time as Kenny'd made a last minute call and had to make another call to cancel our afternoon plans with another friend (we were so unprepared!!) I'm grateful Katie was there because I was starting to feel badly for Kenny as he couldn't really help me and was just miserable watching me be miserable. At least the two could be miserable together not being able to ease my pain :)

After my water broke, it was pretty much game on. Maybe ten minutes afterward, I was ready to push. And ready for drugs...pushing was ridiculously painful. I suppose it's what I'd envisioned labor pain to be, but being there in the moment, and not being able to focus on anything but the sharp, burning pain in my groin (couldn't meditate and my iPod zen mix wasn't working), was rough. I'd take a day of contractions over that because you get a reprieve in between the contractions, no matter how painful they are. Anyway, I pushed for 20-30 minutes (so I'm told) and tried to give up several times: I was ready to call a time out, get some drugs in me, and do this the blissfully medicated way. Unfortunately, I was past that as the baby was already crowning. But MAN is it hard to will yourself to do something that is causing an INCREASE in your pain. It's counter to every primal instinct we've got. And yet, my wonderful brain can rationalize that a brief increase in pain will end the pain, and that's the incentive. As additional motivation, the nurse was telling me to feel the baby's head, or just look down and see his head, and I wanted NO part of that. No thanks; I'm sure it's a wonderful, awe-inspiring moment for some, but not me. Just get it out and then we'll talk!

Thank goodness Katie and Kenny were there since I was twitching and kicking and they were instructed to participate in holding me down...I think at one point I almost kicked the midwife and might even have screamed at her a few times, apologizing profusely in between pushes (Kenny and Katie laugh about my delivery-room politeness). Jett's head finally emerged, and then I still had to push to pass his shoulders, which was only slightly less painful and then, miraculously and brilliantly, it was done. And there was Jett, born at 1:39 pm, 5 lbs, 12 oz... not that I could believe that I'd really just had a baby and that this baby was mine. It was so very surreal!! I think I probably looked shocked for a while. And then exhausted.

If I had to do it all again the same way, of course I would. I'm told my memory of the pain of labor will fade, which will be about the time I want to start this process again....The best thing about the natural child birth was that pretty much after Jett was delivered, I felt pretty okay. I could walk (after eating something) and felt rather normal. And really, for 20-30 minutes of the worst pain of my life, to produce a child...it was worth it. Kenny, on the other hand, will not be attending a second performance. He felt so terrible for me, screaming and about to lose my mind, that I doubt he'll be sticking it out for the pushing segment of kid #2's delivery. I wouldn't hold it against him either.

Though we were unprepared for his early arrival (hadn't bought diapers, still haven't finished decorating his room), I'm glad he's here. And if he'd been on time, he'd only be 3 weeks old now instead of going on 6. And though he was tiny for being early, it was a godsend during delivery :) I'll blog again when Jett gives me the chance!

37 weeks

So I flipped the calendar over the weekend from July to August and now the calendar is telling me that we're going to have a baby in 21 days. Uh, say what now?

I had a routine doc appt yesterday and got weighed and measured. I had no increase in weight gain, but at this point, I don't care. I also had my group beta strep screening as my last OB test. It's a bacteria that is naturally produced in our intestines (or something like this) and shouldn't be present in the birth canal as it could potentially transfer to the baby and make him sick. If I tested positive for this, it just means I'd have to have antibiotics given to me via IV during labor. Which would suck (but it's not the worst) and I hope my test results are negative.

During my belly measurement, the doc seemed concerned when the tape measure registered a lower number than the previous week. I should be growing, not shrinking, and I appeared to have lost a centimeter and a half since the previous week. Though she chalked up the decrease to baby's internal position, she recommended getting another ultrasound to formally check his size, position, and my fluid level. Then she asked to do a quick pelvic exam to see if she could physically determine his position and a few seconds later, confirmed very plainly that she could touch his head; he was that low. So that pretty much explained the measurement deficit as he's just locked into my pelvis and not sticking out externally as much as he moves down into position. I'm still getting the ultrasound per her instruction, but we're not anticipating anything abnormal. Also, I'm apparently 1 cm dilated and my cervix is 80% effaced. Which is strange because I feel like I would have somehow felt my body physically ready itself for labor. I've had no real cramping or false contractions or any physical labor-related symptoms that my brain might link to my stereotypical vision of labor. At least this explains the unending stress on my groin...and now my lady parts are feeling the stress. I guess it's sort of par for the course when I'm supporting a 6-7 lb nose-down torpedo with only my pelvic bone.

KJ is always moving and I can definitely tell when there's rotating points of rigidity moving across my abdomen at any given time. I think he's getting rather big in there because it feels like he's trying to bust out; there's an immense amount of outward pressure as though he's pushing with all extremities in every direction. He's doing something in there that's not registering on the surface of my belly, which is hitting a nerve running up my right thigh/butt/lower back. Not really painful, but not pleasant if I'm sitting. As I'm on the couch typing this, he's pushing downward and it's a lot of little pokes around my rectum. There's intermittent pokes in the front too, but very low - right above my pubic bone. He's pretty much everywhere, moving in all directions. There's been less rib kicks, so that's nice!

And based on his super low position, he's still giving hell to my pelvic ligaments (and my bladder - I might as well just move my desk at work into the ladies' restroom). Strangely though, my belly, externally, doesn't appear all that low like it's officially dropped yet. In profile, my stomach still appears to be up fairly high for now. We'll see if it visibly drops in the next couple of weeks - I'll be keeping weekly pics for comparison and will share if there's an obvious change. I won't be getting any bigger since the baby's locked down so any new pics of myself that I post will be comparable to my 36 week pics; just perhaps a different belly position.

I'll post again Thursday with an ultrasound update (baby's size) and any pics we're able to get.

Bonus: this is what the little one may look like - some combination thereof...

36 weeks

I may have thrown in the towel a bit early by calling the end of my good health last week. I did injure myself and the groin pain was pretty debilitating, but resting and avoiding excess physical activity seemed to resolve the majority of the pain. I just had a bad week last week.

This week has been more typical and while I still have a fair amount of ligament pain, it's not really affecting my mobility (though I am officially starting to "waddle"). I even got to the gym today, though I'll be taking it a lot easier - just in case. I am committed to remembering that I'm 36-weeks pregnant and need to slow down...

The belly has grown, and people at work are starting to notice that I'm starting to look rather pregnant. At the same time, strangers are still estimating my gestation at 6 months...Officially, the belly measurement is at 33 weeks, as of last week (35 weeks) when I went in for my last OB visit. I also found that I'd gained two pounds, which is one pound each week and the ideal weight gain at this point. It only required me adding protein shakes and ceasing physical activity...We'll see how I stack up at next week's visit.

My belly's feeling bigger, heavier, and tighter, and KJ's movements are spreading out. I'm feeling him at the very top of my torso and have also felt some weird-to-describe movements near my butt. He seems to be everywhere now, probably because he's bigger and can spread across my abdominal cavity. He's in a head down position and should be locked in soon when he drops. This new positioning should actually make it easier for me to breath because he'll be out of my upper torso but will add more weight to my already-struggling groin ligaments and may increase my urge to pee. My urination schedule is a little ridiculous lately, but it may simply be because it's been insanely hot and I can't seem to get enough hydration. My heartburn has flared up lately; I'm getting it in just changing positions in bed, or in bending over to shave my legs. I've had it today from my first early-morning office meeting and have it now. I've also had trouble in sleeping; it's getting harder to get comfortable, changing positions is becoming more painful and my back hurts every morning when I wake up. And I'm just a little more tired in general.

KJ still doesn't have a name. We've got a short list and will likely be assigning one of them to him in the hospital room. I've got my bag packed but didn't get around to the car seat installation or thank you cards...yet. We've got to finish the nursery (decoration), figure out the missing registry gift situation and sign up for a first aid class still. I think that's really all we've got left. I'm even pretty pleased about my progress at work in prepping for my impending leave. Kenny and I have some last minute home projects to finish up these next few weekends, and I feel confident that we can get the biggest stuff done and over with and hopefully not stress to much about the stuff we weren't able to get to...

I have trouble grasping that I'm really only four weeks away from meeting little KJ. My boss kids me that I'm in denial because I haven't really made any contingent plans or even considered the fact that KJ might come even a day early. I've budgeted my time up to August 24th exactly, and I'm still accepting meetings on my office calendar through Labor Day weekend...just in case KJ's late :) I am curious to know when he'll actually decide to arrive, as I'm just so, so eager to meet him and physically hold him. But I realize this is a life-changer and we should enjoy our extra baby-free time and exploit it to it's fullest. For now, we'll just hang out, attack our to-do list over the next four weeks and wait to see what happens!

35 weeks

Kenny and I had our local shower this weekend and thanks to our organizer and host extraordinaire, Audrey, it was a great little shindig. We got to hang out, snack, admire the flowers and fancy drinks and appetizers Audrey & Team had most-professionally put together, admire grill-master Kenny's achievement of steak perfection, stuff our faces with seconds and potentially thirds at the fajita buffet, enjoy the men's begrudging participation in the solitary shower game, coo at the unimaginably adorable baby clothes gifted to me, and, oh yes, eat more food when the dessert round approached (candy, double-chocolate cupcakes, cookie/berry pie with marshmallow-cream cheese icing, and peanut butter-chocolate rice krispie treats). It was great to get the friends together (and great to see those we hadn't seen since San Diego) and have a relaxing summer afternoon.

We're still taking stock of the gifts we've received thus far on the registry and I'm curious if/when an office-shower will materialize. I hope it happens soon if it's going to happen because Kenny and I will need to start putting in Amazon orders for the missing items, stat. I'm definitely anxious to get to the end now and we've got only five weeks longer to wait, but that means too that there's only five weeks to get all residual to-do items checked off, and acquiring all baby things is probably the biggest outstanding project. We did get the stroller/car seat travel system (thank you to mom Jacque and Grandma Rose!!) so we can now go and get those properly installed by the fire department and checked off the list. I also took my lactation course last week (let's hope baby knows what he's doing on that topic because I don't) and we can also cross the hospital tour off the list as well. It was even more valuable than I thought it was going to be just to see where to park and understand the whole process of admission and where to go and what to do. Glad we went!

This week's goal is the car seat installation, gift thank you cards and also getting my hospital bags packed. It seems a bit surreal that I'm going to be packing a labor bag - for some reason, that task alone is the resounding tip-off in my brain that this is very, very real. It's also extremely crazy to me that little KJ could technically come any day now, and be fine and healthy and look like a regular 'ol newborn. We'll hope he stays put because further incubation is best for his continued growth and development, and also partly because mom's a procrastinator and plans everything through the last minute and is just not ready yet...

KJ's doing well, as far as I can discern, and seems in constant motion. I was commenting off-handedly to Kenny the other night after a long day at work that KJ had been hitting me in the ribs and elsewhere nearly ALL day and it was a bit patience-wearing. As Kenny was resting his arm by his side, pressing against my stomach as we sat next to each other on the couch, he commented after 5-10 minutes or so that yes, he could see how that might be semi-irritating after getting a taste of the battery. He thought the baby was just being ornery, kicking his dad for being too close, but no, that's just what baby does...day in, day out. Yes, I do wish the incessant movement would let up more frequently, and especially at work when I'm just sitting at my desk and very much aware of how constantly the baby jabs at my ribs. Of course I'd be instantly concerned if it decreased, and am already sad that his movements may lessen in the next few weeks as he gets bigger and his limbs are more confined. I don't really know what I want because I'm a mixed-bag of contradictions at this point but honestly, it'd be nice to get a break from the rib-kicking. And that seems to be his favorite move...http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/35-weeks-pregnant.html

As for me, I was doing great for being this pregnant...up until yesterday. I've been dealing with the dull, aching of my groin for some time now, and had purchased my belly support band to help ease that. Yesterday, I exacerbated the groin pain with a mid-afternoon hustle (jog) to another building as I was extremely late to a meeting I was hosting at work. While the jog itself didn't pose any pain or discomfort (it actually felt rather nice), the aftermath was pretty painful and I had trouble walking the rest of the evening after that. The groin pain is just constant now, and I'm hoping it eases up, a bit, because it really does make walking/moving difficult. I don't think I can avoid the groin discomfort entirely; KJ's big, heavy head is probably settling into the lower part of my pelvis, adding to the weight of my belly which is already putting downward pressure on my pelvic region. My provider said I will just have to rely on my support band as frequently as possible and rest a lot more.

Rest? Eh. Who has time for that? And yes, I can guarantee that I will avoid running in the future (lack of judgment, yes), but I still have a lot to do. I've been avoiding the grocery store for a couple of days now because my groin hurts. I sort of need to continue to do grocery shopping through...It's really hard for my brain to all of a sudden come to terms with the fact that my 8-months-pregnant body may indeed have some physical limitations when my normal routines (general mobility, working out, energy level) have gone on thus far generally unchanged. To hit this "hard stop" where I'm having trouble even walking...that's a rather extreme and abrupt change. My groin is already aching less than yesterday and I hope it will ache less tomorrow too and that I can get back into a regular gait and not waddle like I've been riding a horse for too long. I will promise myself (and Kenny, and my provider) that I will take things a little easier and try to rest more, but I need to ease into it. I can't go from 100% regular activity level to 50% mobility. I don't have the patience! And I already miss the gym, mainly just because I don't have the option to go (like telling a kid not to touch something and then all they want to do is touch it).

As I sit here writing this, it's getting late and I should be making a commitment to get more rest... so off to bed I go. I have another doctor's appointment on Friday morning and will get my groin and belly and measurements all checked out then. I really hope the next five weeks go just as well (or nearly) as the first 35...I just need to remember I'm 8 months pregnant!

34 weeks

Things aren't much different this week from 33 weeks. I did gain a pound at my last doctor's visit (this past Friday), which is progress, albeit weak. To try and increase that (I should be gaining a pound per week, not month), I'm dedicated to daily protein shakes, and even found some really awesome, non-dairy fruit ones. My belly height measured just a week under (32 cm at 33 weeks), but it's up from the prior reading and still measuring well within the normal range.Little KJ is still acting like a stunt man in the womb, and his movements increase in intensity every week, and I'm peeing even more frequently. I also experienced a cramp the other evening, which lasted for less than a minute and was similar to a normal menstrual cramp, and I sort of didn't know what to think. I'd not experienced any cramps or false contractions up to that point. It wasn't painful, but a little concerning (what's going on with the baby) and yet reassuring at the same time (like my body might actually go into labor in six weeks from now). I had a really, really serious charley horse last week and was nearly in tears struggling to get the pain to subside. I really hope labor is less painful...

I have my local baby shower this weekend, and I look forward to using it as an excuse to just hang out with friends. It's going to be more of a co-ed party with fajitas and beer. And it's an excuse for Kenny to avoid doing man chores for a day...oh, and I've had several people ask about where I'm registered, so here's the website if you need it: www.myregistry.com/public/Stefanie-Kenny-Mikkalson.

I've also got my lactation class tomorrow, which I anticipate will be both informative and awkward. We'll be watching a video on how to nurse so I'm going to see a lot of tiny little newborns contorting strangely on the bare chests of their mothers trying to find where the food is. Kinda weird. But something I need to learn and will duly sit through. And then tomorrow night, we've got the hospital tour which will be extremely helpful to know where to go and how things are actually set up, and it'll probably make things seem more "real."

This week, I feel like my emotions have calmed a bit, and I'm just sort of waiting now for the end of August to get here. I'm sure I'll stress about things at the last minute as the due date approaches, but for now, it's kind of the calm before the storm. I feel rather at ease with everything baby-related, lazy even...this week anyway!

So that's it. Not much to comment on as not much has changed. My groin/ligament pain is ever-present and may be slowly increasing, but it makes sense as my belly grows and further protrudes over my lower abs. The support band helps but I don't get to wear it everywhere (bed, the shower) and I miss it when I have to hoist this torpedo around on my own. I should be grateful KJ's not bigger! (I say that as I watch a Discovery Health program in the background talking about mothers that have given birth to 15 to 17 lb newborns...no thanks).

I'll post more pics soon.

33 weeks

My belly has gotten really round, like I really am concealing a basketball. Or a giant Fabergé egg.


Seven weeks to go before little KJ is due to arrive. It's panic-inducing and patience-challenging all at once. Kenny found me watching one of those TLC baby shows yesterday afternoon and I was caught up feeling envious of the showcased couple as they'd gotten past the labor and delivery part and had just taken home their newborn son. I was so jealous that they could touch him and see him - my urge to meet and hold this little guy inside me is so overwhelming that I can't fathom waiting another 7 weeks! And yet, it's ONLY 7 more weeks. Only 7 more weeks to purchase missing registry gifts, finish decorating the nursery, think about birth announcements, take a CPR class, complete outstanding home improvement projects, get organized and ready to check out at work, take a lactation class, do yoga, pack a hospital bag, etc. Ultimately, KJ's going to get here on his schedule, regardless of my impatience or anxiety.

He's supposed to be around 4.5 lbs by this week and 17.5 inches long. Apparently, he can also detect light and knows now if it's day or night. He's been kicking away inside and settling into some awkward positions. He seems to be a big fan of my right rib cage and right side in general and protrudes unevenly at times making my stomach seem oblong and lopsided. And he continues to get the hiccups - a few times a day at least. I'm hoping he gets better at learning to breathe...

I'm doing well. Emotionally, I'm still a little quick to anger, quick to laugh (inappropriately) and quick to tear up (even at seemingly bland commercials). Nothing too inconvenient though, or extreme. I'm not having any trouble getting around; I think I'm getting used to maneuvering around with this bowling ball in front and the belly support band definitely helps when I'm upright on my feet for long periods of time. My abs, I've decided, are pretty much out of commission which is why I feel like a turtle flipped on my back every time I'm in a horizontal position. I just can't propel myself up without straining my poor, stretched out ligaments. I'm having to pee more frequently, and especially at night, but that was anticipated. I'm still pounding back the tums and having some lower back pain but no increases from last time.

I think there's another reason I'm getting generally anxious; I'm not seeing the same rapid body changes in this last trimester as I did in the first two. Like I should be feeling differently or experiencing some new symptom, but it's just been kind of status quo for the last month or so. My belly is growing of course, and I do look forward to my doctor visits for weigh-ins and belly measurements. But I just don't feel all that different and I'm not (yet) experiencing any of the stereotypical symptoms like exhaustion or swelling or ?? I guess there's still plenty of time for the last minute changes to occur, like my belly dropping or my breasts to start being functional... and I should probably just relish this in-between time more. It's proving extremely hard though to live in the current moment!

My next doctor's appointment is this Thursday and I'm pumped for the weigh-in. I did go out and buy some Ensure-type drinks and though I'm having to force them down (too sweet, too thick), I'm determined to gain some weight this visit! So let's hope KJ's getting nice and fat in there :)

32 weeks

I was at the doc's this past Friday and got to go over my blood work results: I'm super healthy. I'd figured nothing had come up too skewed as I'd not received a phone call with bad news. So no gestational diabetes, great thyroid and cholesterol levels, and no anemia. My thyroid levels are in such good shape that I don't have to go in to get them checked again until a month after I deliver. This means no further blood draws at least until September, which is fantastic :)

I also found out that I didn't gain any weight in the last three weeks. Which is crazy, because my belly has visibly grown. Doc still doesn't seem concerned, because I haven't lost any weight and my stomach is hitting the measurements it should. But I don't get it. I went out and bought some Boost/Ensure type drinks to supplement my caloric and protein intake, to ensure I'm up at my next weigh-in. KJ should be gaining a half a pound every week from here on out so there really shouldn't be another stagnant scale reading.

KJ feels like he's been growing, since his movements continue getting stronger. And every week I think he moves a lot, until the next week when he REALLY moves a lot. There was one night in bed as I was watching TV where he was moving nonstop for close to ten minutes. I would LOVE to find out what he's doing in there. When Kenny came to bed, he pushed on my belly in response to KJ's pushing, and KJ pushed back in that spot. I then started poking him in areas where I could feel him and he'd respond in kind. It was like a game and I loved that we got to (seemingly) interact with him.

My belly support band showed up early last week and it is awesome. I didn't think it would be nearly as effective as it is. It's a simple band that velcros in the front, low and under my belly, and comes up and over my lower back to provide a little lumbar support. It's fantastic and really helps support my extra weight in front.

Nothing else has been going on. KJ's kicking me in the ribs a little more each week and rearranging my organs but it's still nothing too uncomfortable. He has had the hiccups a few times which is cute, but he's also found my bladder, a rare couple of times, and I have the sudden and powerful urge to pee. The heartburn flares up and gets pretty terrible sometimes and is almost completely unavoidable when I'm lying down (even if I've had a day devoid of heartburn otherwise). I've not had any issues sleeping as I've gotten my body pillow placement down pretty well. I'm moving around with relative ease with only two real issues: getting up from a horizontal position (getting more difficult and strenuous) and shaving my legs while standing in the shower - bending over for a sustained period is proving tough. I'm still working out and it's giving me a chance to practice some measured and deep breathing. Things are going well overall.

Bonus pic: Kenny getting put to work :)

31 weeks

The online pregnancy calendar I subscribe to reminded me this week that I've started my single digit countdown - 9 weeks to go! Doesn't seem like a ton of time...Luckily I'm not super stressed as I think I've got pretty much everything on my pregnancy to-do list done or started. We still need to sign up for a baby first aid/CPR class, get the car seat installation checked by the local fire dep't, decorate the nursery, tour the hospital and a few other minor items.

New this week - if you asked Kenny, he'd tell you I was in full-blown nesting mode. I'm not convinced it's "nesting" and not some other driving force like delayed spring cleaning or rushing to get things done before August 24th. Whatever the case, Kenny's been put to work on all of his man chores (much to his dismay) and we're trying to knock out as many residual home improvement projects as possible before the baby gets here and we have no more funding for said projects. I had the carpet replaced this weekend, cleaned everything, twice, organized the kitchen and dining rooms, rearranged the downstairs furniture, spot-cleaned the upstairs and basement carpet, and hung pictures waiting to be framed and hung. I've definitely been cleaning a lot more, and maybe that's the nesting kicking in. Regardless of the inspiration, it feels good to be this productive. Kenny's complaints belie a differing opinion...

My pregnancy dreams are continuing (more small-baby dreams, weird but pain-free labor dreams) and I'm having one almost every night. I like them because I feel it's really healthy for my subconscious to explore these various concerns, and they're super vivid and I always remember them. The baby always seems to be moving and as he's getting bigger, his kicks are getting stronger, and they're spreading out. I'll get kicked simultaneously at the bottom right of my rib cage and punched in my lower left abdomen. He's supposed to be around 16 inches long now so I guess he can cover some ground in there. Also, he's supposed to start gaining about a half pound each week from now til the end. I look forward to him bulking up!

At the same time he's bulking up, my belly's getting heavier and it's putting a lot of strain on my abdominal and pelvic ligaments. I was commenting to my friend Mike that I need a counter-balance, like a tail. Just something to serve as a counter weight to the giant mass in front. My lower back aches slightly more each week, but hasn't amounted to anything too uncomfortable yet. My pelvic ligaments are getting rather sore - like I've pulled a groin muscle (maybe I have). It's exacerbated when I bend down with a wide stance or when I get out of bed in the morning. Bending down is slow going and my belly seems to be protruding ever more and getting in the way when I try and sit. I'm not used to my stomach and my thighs touching when I sit...kind of a weird feeling to have this rock of a stomach resting on my lap.

Still....(as usual) I feel pretty lucky that I'm as mobile as I am this far in and am still sleeping fairly comfortably, still getting to the gym (though tiring more easily) and still maintaining a normal level of energy. I do believe I've rather enjoyed being pregnant :) but hope I don't end up regretting that sentiment a month from now when I'm super preggers and super uncomfortable. But maybe that won't happen...maybe.

My next doctor's visit is Thursday. I get to review my blood work results (which I'm assuming came back fine as I never received a call to tell me otherwise), listen to the baby's heartbeat and get weighed. I should be up a few lbs at the least, if not because the baby's been growing a lot lately but because I've tried to ramp up on some higher-calorie dinners (and more ice cream...). I'll keep my fingers crossed :)

30 weeks

30 weeks pregnant seems like it should be pretty significant. But there's nothing new to report. My belly still feels like there's a 20 lb brick inside, but my support band is en route (thank you Amazon). Heartburn is so frequent, it's now just routine to eat a stack of tums a day. Back pain and mobility weren't too much of an issue this past week. I'm feeling slightly short of breath when working out, but that may be because my lungs are being compressed by a baby body. I did feel the baby up at the base of my ribcage a few days ago - a first - and the pressure was a bit uncomfortable. I was acutely aware of the discomfort potential in a growing baby's search for more womb space...Kenny got to feel a "real" baby movement the other night. The baby's been super active lately and the movements are getting a lot stronger. As I was observing this in bed, I grabbed Kenny's hand and placed in on my stomach just in time for him to feel one of the more intense kicks. The intensity caught him off guard (his eyes got a bit wide) and I think he seemed half-impressed with the movement, and half appalled :)

I've had two pregnancy dreams these last two nights, which is a rarity for me outside of the first trimester. I'd been trying to recall my past dreams for the post today, and realized that, for all my labor-related dreams, I never actually saw or interacted with the baby. I asked, and my subconscious delivered. That very night (last night), I dreamt about our baby...who was rather small; comparable in size to the Pilsbury Doughboy. Here's the thing about my pregnancy dreams: they're amazingly consistent in exploring my pregnancy-related fears and doing so rather directly and unimaginatively. There's really never any symbolism - just a head-on assessment of my potential concerns. In last night's dream, I had a pint-sized baby because I'm worried the baby won't grow to be as big as he could be. Go figure. Also in the dream, I kept misplacing the baby; exploring a concern that I'll be a responsible parent. Ironic thing was that I kept misplacing the baby because he was such a good, quiet infant and I couldn't locate him. Maybe there's a little wishful thinking in my subconscious...

Sunday night's dream was about going through the whole birthing process, and not remembering anything. A female friend or relative was there, trying to jog my memory post-labor, and I could only vaguely recall bits and pieces about arrival and admittance to the hospital and really nothing else. I guess that fear is manifesting because I want very much to be an active participant in my labor plan and to have some control in what goes down and how. I was also aware in the dream that I'd gone into labor a few weeks early (baby was not in any danger), and that I'd left all of my projects at work unfinished and undocumented. This is a very real concern of mine, though perhaps not a legitimate one, but I'm anal retentive (see: baby registry) and would really, really like to have things in order before I go out on maternity leave.

Other vivid pregnancy dreams I had (in my first trimester):

My first dream involved my sister and I going in for my first ultrasound. In reality, I'd had yet to go to my very first OB appt and was extremely anxious to go and have my pregnancy confirmed. In the dream, I went in and when the nurse was performing the ultrasound on my stomach, she couldn't find anything. In fact, the ultrasound was so powerful, it went straight through my stomach, through the building, and down into the sewer lines beneath the street. She was picking up rats and drainage on the ultrasound imaging, but no embryo in my womb. And then at some point the nurse turned around and saw my sister and said, let's try you (maybe to see if the ultrasound machine was working properly...) and discovered almost instantly that, even though she appeared thin and healthy, was 37 weeks pregnant. The family was instantly excited for her (though Jess wasn't sure what to think with labor in 3 weeks being sprung on her at the last minute) and I was left feeling rather dejected. Another straightforward dream exposing my fear that I might not even be pregnant.

Another dream I had early on concerned my appearance. I've ranted plenty about not looking the pregnancy part...and apparently, that's coursing through my subconscious too. In the dream, Kenny and I were at some social gathering and someone commented to me, "So, when are you due?" after noticing my pregnancy bump. And Kenny, in auto-response (since we were in the first trimester and trying not to disseminate the pregnancy news until at least 12 weeks), replied, "Oh, she's not pregnant." And I was instantly furious with him that he'd stolen my spotlight because 1. we'd just hit the second trimester and could start telling people and 2. I wanted the attention and he'd just turned away a captive audience. Back in reality, Kenny didn't appreciate that I was having dreams where I was mad at him...

Then there was a dream that was extremely straightforward in addressing my fear. In the dream, I was in labor, in my kitchen oddly enough, and my sister was again there (Jess showed up in quite a few pregnancy dreams). Labor was super uncomplicated and I did it by myself - my subconscious apparently thinks it'll be a cakewalk. At the end of the labor, my sister commented not on her new nephew but on the fact that I'd defecated while birthing the child. I hear this is a common fear among pregnant folks and my subconscious got that one addressed early. And in my dream, I was slightly embarrassed but also highly irritated for being judged (another concern - being judged about my labor plan and how I perform) and tried to redirect the focus on the new life I'd just produced. Oh, dreams...

Strangely, I've not had any dreams dealing with the pain of labor (maybe my subconscious is not yet ready to explore that one...)

In other news, the nursery has been put together. Took my time constructing the furniture this weekend and rearranged everything four times (thank goodness the crib's on wheels) before finalizing the layout. Looks good, but now needs decoration. I'm extremely pleased overall and can't wait to actually use the stuff. For now, the door remains closed so that I don't try and rearrange the furniture again or dwell on the fact that it's not decorated and try to purchase half the registry gifts myself...And Kenny thinks I'm obsessive compulsive...

29 weeks

I was at the doc's office yesterday for my glucose tolerance testing (screens for gestational diabetes) and other third-trimester bloodwork and am glad that's over with. Now let's hope I don't get a phone call between now and my next visit as that will mean all of my tests came back normal. I think I may pop for anemia, which wouldn't be the worst thing except that it would mean more bloodwork. And, as established in a previous post, I do loathe needles.

The part I was looking forward to was getting weighed. Per the doc's office scale, I'm up two pounds for the month. Which is crazy because I grew a legit belly this month and it FEELS like it weighs quite a bit more than two pounds...at least the way my body has been struggling to carry it. This two-pound addition puts me at a total of +8 lbs for the pregnancy; the suggested minimum is 25. Granted, I could gain a lot in these next 11 weeks as this is the rapid growth period, and my doc still doesn't seem concerned because the general goal is to gain weight vs. attaining a certain weight figure. And, again, most importantly, the baby's gaining weight and is right on target.

We still don't have a name picked out, but I think we're getting close. We've got the possibilities narrowed down to around five (for now) and Kenny gets to make the final call since I'm fine with any of them. A friend at work has started calling him "KJ" in the interim (Kenny Jr) and that seems to be a useful placeholder until then.

The nursery has yet to be created, but that's reserved for this weekend. I'm going to start putting together furniture and formally claim the space for KJ. It will feel good to mark something off my "residual-baby-stuff-to-do" list. I still need to pick a pediatrician. I've interviewed a few and am not ready to make a decision, but it's hard to tell what kind of medical advice they'll be doling out without a baby to receive medical advice. I'll probably just pick one that seems best now and change providers later if the fit isn't right. It's just proving to be another research project and I'm rather burned out on baby-related research.

Physically, I'm doing pretty well. My balance is off and it's getting harder to rock myself out of bed. I did buy a $10 Target body pillow and that seems to have helped the sleeping situation...for now. I'm having to pee rather frequently, and am up to twice each night - I won't be surprised if that number increases. My lower back pain is on par with last week with no increase in severity. I did get around to at least one round of yoga this past weekend and have been trying to watch my posture (more for the heartburn relief) so maybe that's helping. I'm definitely investing in a belly support band because my low-ab ligaments are working overtime and it's starting to be more than a slight pain carrying this boulder around and it's only going to get heavier...

Ever the cheerful optimist, I'm still feeling very fortunate to be this symptom-free this far in. I enjoy the baby's movements more and more as I can feel them more and almost make out what he's trying out in there. I've also been able to sleep pretty well this week, and am still active at the gym which I think is helping minimize many of my potential ailments. The only thing I'm really struggling with is...reality. Kenny commented the other night that I was seven months pregnant, and I hadn't put it into those terms - it seems like a lot. My team at work noted that I had two months and some change before going out on leave. That's so little time left! And mom was trying to make me feel better about Monday's bloodwork by pointing out that I only have one routine thyroid lab workup to deal with...which also just hit home how soon baby KJ will be here. I don't know exactly what I'm apprehensive about...but it's just crazy to think we're on the home stretch now (especially when I was complaining at times that it wasn't coming soon enough!)

I have to start going in for doc visits every two weeks now, solely because I'm in the third trimester. It's kind of a scheduling inconvenience, but at least I'll get to monitor my weight and listen to the baby's heartbeat more frequently, which means more frequent, formal health updates. Here's some generic info on the baby's growth in the meantime (he should be the size of a loaf of bread now): http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/29-weeks-pregnant.html

Jr

Just got home from the 28-week ultrasound (to make sure my placenta had moved to it's appropriate spot), and got some pics of the baby.


He's supposed to be in between 2 & 3 pounds: he's at 2 lbs, 10 oz (system estimate). All organs and body parts were healthy and accounted for. I want to meet him so badly!!!!