Asking the goblin king to take my child

Let me preface this post, as I've been doing in all recent conversations, that I dearly love my child. I am glad he's here and would not want this life without him. That said, the past three months have been a challenge. Times infinity.

There are really no words of wisdom, babysitting experience, or things you can read in the billion baby books that can adequately prepare you a realistic picture of what to expect as a new parent. No, you won't sleep, and yes, it's the most tremendously trying experience you'll ever encounter, but you can't truly know the impact of parenthood until, unfortunately, you're flailing in it.

The biggest struggle in the last twelve weeks wasn't the sleep deprivation or the frustration or the crying but rather, a sum of all these parts. It's the fact that you're dealing with ALL of these temper triggers at once, and without a break. Even when a job gets busy and stressful and you're working 60 hours in a week, you still get a reprieve on the weekend or at night while you slumber. There's essentially a pause button. No such thing exists when you've got an infant. Kenny and I switch off when I'm at my limit or he at his, but it's tough when we're both at our maximum capacity and patience is dwindling or non-existent.

I'm a pretty patient person, but do tend to get frustrated often. When this happens, I can walk away, "reset" myself, and come back to the task when I'm ready to tackle it with a new store of patience. If I've got a screaming baby at 1 am, I can't very well leave him, take a nap, and come back to figure out his malfunction when I'm good and refreshed. Doesn't happen. So that's hard to deal with...trying to keep your temper when your patience ran out three hours ago...

Jett has been difficult to figure out these last few months. He doesn't really cry all that much, but is fussy often and inconsistent sleeping is still an issue.

The first two weeks of Jett's life were difficult as we were adjusting to having an infant and to figuring out what we should be doing, but they were manageable as my mom was there to help. What a godsend that was. I didn't cry a lot these first couple of weeks because things were being taken care of and I wasn't stressed (too much). Honestly, I was focused more on myself and my recuperation. I did cry for a minute the first night we were home as I was sitting on the edge of our bed, exhausted, and wondering how I was going to allow my self to sleep as I anticipated worrying endlessly that my child was still breathing in his cradle next to us. Exhaustion trumped that thought and I ended up asleep before I knew it. But only for a couple of hours. And then sleep deprivation set in but I learned to live off of a cumulative amount of sleep (in between baby wakings) vs. uninterrupted stretches.

Somewhere in the next couple of weeks after that, Jett would not sleep in his cradle, or his swing, or his crib, or his bouncy seat. So that was troubling...so he started to sleep on my chest. This wasn't the most comfortable for me but allowed me to sleep as Jett slept and allowed me to stay in our bed. We discovered shortly that he didn't like his swing, car rides or stroller walks, but that he was keen on his baby bathtub. So that was something...

Jett was fussy and not a consistent sleeper. He averaged around 2-3 hours of sleep, but would be up for only 20-30 minutes to eat before being ready for bed again. There were a couple of nights, sporadically, where he'd give us 4 or 5 hours straight...which was heavenly!! (though my chest felt as though it might explode upon waking). He wasn't fond of naps during the day. He wanted to be held or entertained constantly and would fuss or cry if left alone for any period of time. And he wasn't very efficient at eating and needed to eat every hour or so, grazing for about 45 minutes. This just meant that I was parked somewhere (couch, chair, bed) for a good deal of the day. Around week 4 or 5, Jett and I moved to the bedroom down the hall since we were still co-sleeping but Kenny needed some uninterrupted sleep for work.

Between week 6 & 7, I went in to my office for the first time to introduce Jett to my coworkers. I also had my post-partum check-up with my OB and endocrynologist. It was also the time that I felt the most overwhelmed, that everything - the sleep deprivation, lack of schedule, stress of constant child-rearing - finally caught up with me. After this meltdown though, I felt pretty okay. Kenny traveled to Washington state for work for a week, and I was on my own to deal with Jett. Amazingly, he was perfect for me, but I also made it a point to get out of the house every day and spend it with friends in the event that I needed some parenting help. To sleep, Jett and I were still in a separate bedroom, and I was side-nursing him to sleep. This, I've read and been told, is a terrible habit to start but it was the only way to get him to sleep some nights and thus prevailed.

By week 8, Jett was still crying when set down, was napping infrequently, and had started to get fussy while eating. Also, it was difficult to get anything done as I was constantly holding him. A friend had recommended getting a particular wrap carrier and had been using it for about a week. This was a magical carrier as it was not only easy to use/wrap, and comfortable, but almost instantly put Jett to sleep (as his vision was blocked and therefore blocked any sleep distractions). It kept him snugly at my chest, allowing me to do laundry and other chores and walks with the dog were less cumbersome without the stroller. We did notice that he was keenly interested in ceiling fans, above-head lights, and his mobile.

Around week 9 (two months old), we traveled to Honolulu and he traveled extremely well. I just nursed him on the plane and he slept for most of it. The weather was nice and Jett behaved himself mostly, but there were a couple of days (out of two weeks) that were miserable as he wouldn't stop fussing, wouldn't nap, and we never left the hotel room. His pediatrician had suggested that all of his fussiness, his disinterest in eating, his infrequent naps might be symptoms of silent acid reflux. In Waikiki, he started spitting up frequently, at every meal, and this did appear to be the cause of every fussy bout. We started him on baby Zantac, without much result and discontinued a couple of weeks later. Jett also began smiling this week. HUGE!!

With weeks 10 & 11, Jett was still fussy, and still battling reflux. We were definitely starting to figure out his spit-up needs and we were able to pinpoint and alleviate many of his reflux issues. He was also battling painful and frequent gas (as most infants do) and constipation. While we could address many of his fussiness bouts, there were many others that still stymied us and caused a few parental meltdowns. He did start sleeping in a separate bed in Hawaii, which was progress as my back could not continue to support co-sleeping and his acid reflux could not support side-nursing to sleep. He did, however, make it clear to us that he only liked to sleep on his stomach as he wouldn't stay out long on his back. And while he's supposed to sleep on his back for a myriad of safety reasons, mom and dad need some sleep and well, sleep won out and he sleeps on his stomach (under our watchful eyes).

Jett still has gas issues, and I'm making a concerted effort to change up my diet to pass on milk that may potentially cause less gas in him. It's been hard though as I'm not to eat chocolate, dairy (cheese, icecream), beans (I'm vegetarian...), garlic, onion, citrus juices, carbonated beverages (ie, beer), and various veggies (cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli). I'm trying to at least minimize the above ingredients in my daily mealplan. Jett's no longer constipated, thankfully, which we think was caused by the medication which we've ceased. He's still got some acid reflux issues which he's going to have until he's older and his digestive tract is more mature. We know now though to burp him a few times per feeding and if he's fussy during or after eating, spit-up is brewing. We don't have enough bibs, burp rags or blankets for this kid's spit-up...He's still been extremely inconsistent in nighttime sleeping, but has, at least, adopted a lengthy napping schedule during the day.

It feels fantastic to have figured out even one of Jett's desires/needs. It's hard in the beginning though because we have no idea what we're doing and Jett himself doesn't quite know what he wants. There's no consistency because by the time we do figure out what he wanted (if we do), he grows up a bit and his needs change. I thought the odds might be in our favor at times, as there are only a short list of ailments from which a baby suffers, in that we might somewhat easily be able to identify his requests. However, identifying the issue is only half the battle - fixing it is something else. When he's exhausted, for example, we can rock him, bounce him, feed him, etc, but sometimes only one works, and sometimes none.

Luckily, Kenny and I compliment each other as parents. I tend to be more patient over the course of the day, and Kenny's best responses come at night for acute issues, when he turns into auto-pilot dad. My mommy brain tends to short-circuit at night when I'm ready for sleep. If my attempts to put Jett to sleep prove fruitless after my patience has run out, I struggle in exhaustion. A crying baby presents a unique psychological struggle for me: My pre-mom self wants nothing to do with a screaming child (as natural instinct dictates - who chooses to sit next to a baby on a plane?) and yet my maternal instinct wants only to hold my baby and make everything better. This internal battle at 2 am renders me completely ineffective as a night-time parent in being unable to decide how to proceed with this ceaselessly wailing infant. Luckily, Kenny's there to pick up where I leave off, but it's hard to ask him to step in when he's running on fumes too, and has to work in the morning.

I'm writing all this now that Jett's almost three months old, in daycare, and I'm about to go back to work. This taste of normalcy is sweet as nectar. I can't wait to marry this motherhood version of me for the last three months with my former, HR Specialist and social Stef self. I do like being a mom but it has to come with perspective. I appreciate my child and my time with Jett when I'm not constantly with him. As the old adage goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it's true! Now that he's in daycare, I look forward to being reunited with him in the early evening and enjoy my time with him because I've missed him. I don't think I could stay at home with him all day, every day. I need a break. And yes, I'm going to miss him even more when I'm back at work and farther away, but daycare is a necessary arrangement for us and a good psychological one for me.

Jett slept through the night on Friday, Sunday, and last night, and while this is monumental progress, we had one of THE worst sleep nights on Saturday. For every two steps we make forward, we often take one back...and that really messes with my head. For if Jett can go to sleep at 10 pm on some nights, or sleep for 6+ hour stretches, why can't he do this every night? It's hard NOT to get attached to the progress we've made and to accept inconsistency as a constant. I hope we're establishing a pattern, which daycare should help. But then he'll start teething and we'll be thrown another wrench!