It's not you, it's me

Jett is a fussy kid who is hard to keep entertained and likes to whine and act clingy around mommy. That's established. But that's Jett, being a baby. He's doing what he's supposed to be doing at this age. And it's ME who has the problem.

I've no patience for this. But I'm mom, and parents are supposed to just hang in there and deal with his crying and sleeplessness and everything else that drives me crazy like all other parents before us. One of my issues is a weird sense of entitlement. I feel like we ought to get a break; we DESERVE a break, and when one doesn't come, I just feel pissed off that this just keeps coming and coming and coming. And the rare breather periods we do get in between ear infections and teething and schedule change consequences, I get pissed off when we have to deal with something crappy we've already dealt with a thousand times. Like, oh, fantastic, Jett's not sleeping through the night again after sleeping through the night for two weeks!! Pisses me off. I can't help but fill up with hope that we've moved forward when I see such consistent patterns, and then I'm devastated and frustrated when Jett exercises his right to continue behaving or sleeping like a kid under 2. Irritating, but only because I don't process this well.

Ideally, moms and dads would be the most flexible of people. I almost thought I was, but then I had a kid and dispelled that thought... Outwardly, I think I'm flexible. Internally, my brain and the anxiety that rules it is a mess of second-guessing and polar opposites. I think some mothers out there (myself included) would benefit from the rational part of their brain being shut off. It would be a lot easier to pick up and soothe a wailing child who's been belaboring the bedtime process for two hours if the rational part of my brain were temporarily disabled. The rational part wants to drop that difficult kid off at the fire station and see if they can get him to sleep. Instead, I sit rocking him in his chair trying to calm him for 20 minutes, clutching him to my chest and stroking his cheek, while my blood boils and I'm about to have an aneurism I'm so frustrated. I don't think I ever read about blinding rage in the baby books...

And again, it's me. It's me trying to process these emotions related to dealing with a child. Tonight, Jett cried in the car for the duration of our 45 minute drive home. And I had a decent day and was fairly unaffected, initially. And on the few times at the end of the trip where I was a half second away from all-out screaming at him or crying myself, I tried to remind myself that it's just a baby, crying, and nothing more. I can ignore that, just like I can ignore a car alarm (though 45 minutes of a car alarm would probably start to piss me off...). But a car alarm does not both beckon and repel me, like my child's cry does. Stupid evolutionary hard-wiring...

I will most likely look back at this and shake my head out how naive I was in writing this sentence but....I really think life will be easier when: A. Jett no longer cries (as a baby) since it's this small action that incites such emotional turmoil within, and B. Jett is a reliable sleeper (I'm crossing my fingers that we'll have a sleeper by year 2...) since bedtime is such a HUGE source of anxiety and never consistent. That's my current wish list. I'm sure when I get those check boxes checked, they'll be replaced with Jett's abusive and constant use of "no," and hitting or something. Or whatever. It'll be something. But it'll be different. And I just need a change.

Back to Jett though - it is amazing all the stuff he can do. He's sharing somewhat consistently, he's usually very gentle with Cash and other pets, he's really loving to his kitty and other stuffed animals, he's learning to open and close doors (not that this is a skill we're prepared yet to deal with...), he's speaking (maybe 10 words), pays attention to TV (we're categorizing this as a good thing for now), purses his lips and gives proper kisses and hugs when prompted, is learning to use a fork (insists on fork usage), learning to drink from a regular cup, and is becoming an excellent dancer :) There's probably a thousand other things that I'm neglecting to list but he's seriously incredible. Having a year-and-a-half old is my favorite age thus far - he's still young enough to be babied and has the baby mannerisms and is still such a little guy, but he's old enough to really understand us and follow directions and ask for help when he can't figure something out on his own.

I really enjoy spending time with him because he's literally just fun to be around. He likes to laugh and loves it when I'm being silly and hiding from him or chasing him or building blocks with him. I can actually do things with him and he's a willing participant! We went to Petsmart this weekend and we could have easily stayed for an hour, just surveying and discovering all of the animals in the building. And he helped me clean, and LOVED it. And loved the car wash. We have so much fun together, when he's good on sleep, well-fed, not teething or suffering from any other ailment, and otherwise contented.

Let's hope I get more flexible in my old age (30 is fast approaching...) so I can more easily overlook the bad and relish the good, and deal with the next 18 months!